How many frustrated job searchers out there would like to put their Real thoughts on the job search world into print, but are so caught up in watching what words go down into cyberspace that they essentially have tried multiple times to reinvent themselves?
Here’s a satirical somewhat cynical commentary on the possible contents of a resume of someone who many people might know. Someone who is really this way. It may be you, your parent, Aunt, Uncle, Neighbor, The person in the McDonald’s Drive-Thru at the register, Your Wal-Mart Greeter, Your mall Janitor, Your Grocery Store Cashier, Your Convenience Store Clerk, Your Maid, Your Nanny and so on.
Middle Aged or Older Job Seeker Ready to Return to Full Time Career so that Life Goals and Dreams That Were put on Hold in Order to Take Care of Other Things can be Partially Realized. Nick Name “SAM I AM”
Crazy Notion : Job seeker wants to rebuild what was lost during recession, pay off debts, buy a home, save for retirement, and take the financial worry and strain off of spouse whose stress level is too high. Is it too selfish to want these things?
Career Objective: To convince you to eat “Green Eggs and Ham”
Get hired to Earn at least what you would pay an entry level college graduate into the market place with only my education.
Career Goals: Let’s start with getting hired, then move on with the dreamy fluff stuff because, you know what? I need to get paid! ( more than a measly drop in the bucket for 12 hours a week)
Relevant Skills: Let’s see, read, write, use computers, use calculators, can use fractions, decimals, metrics, thermometers, take photos, draw, paint,can do math, drive a vehicle, am not an addict, am not a criminal, love my family, love animals, practice hygiene, can walk, talk, see, hear, alphabetize, push buttons, cook, clean, fold clothes, buy groceries, move, pack, unpack, pay bills, schedule appointments, fight traffic, maintain my car, care about the world, have a masters degree, Nursed family members to health, took care of sick people, filled prescriptions, argued with insurance companies, spent countless hours on hold with service providers, comparison shopped, couponed, stretched dollars, juggled schedules,scheduled travel, researched prior to purchases, clean toilets,clean bathtubs, clean carpets, mop, grow plants, know nutrition, know cleaning products, use the internet, use social media, use a variety of software, expert on Diabetes, Cancer,Heart Disease, Mental Health,Broken Bones, Band-Aids,Medicare,Dog Baths,Diapers,Bedtime Stories,IEP Meetings,Gift Buying, School Conferences,Banking.,has buried multiple loved ones, still wants to live life and hasn’t shriveled up into oblivion.
If this stuff is not multitasking,problem solving, negotiating,coordinating and handling multiple projects, what is???
If someone doesn’t fit your Human Resource job description but they Graduated High School. Got a Bachelor’s Degree and Got a Masters Degree , and have managed adult life enough to still be employable and have enough motivation to keep trying to find jobs even though they know that they are possibly ten years or more older than whoever is doing the pre-screening of candidates or even the hiring, maybe there’s something wrong with the criteria you establish for candidates.
If you actually read their resume, then scheduled an interview, then told the person that they aren’t what you are looking for. It makes the candidate wonder if you really know what you are doing! The resume got the interview. If you didn’t see a Mandatory element on the resume why did you even call? If your company knows exactly what it wants, then find a cookie cutter person.
If you are a hiring manager or PHR are you interested in getting quality people for your organization or in meeting a set of hiring criteria that might just be keeping you from getting some real gems of employees?
So there are very few people who are as straight forward as a Michelina’s Microwave entree from the freezer section.
There is no recipe for the perfect employee. Just some ingredients.
Some of the best recipes are the ones you’ve never even tried, or have ingredients that you would never expect to taste so great.
Imagine being the grumpy guy from Dr. Seuss’ Sam I Am, The job seeker being Sam I Am. There are many great people out there who you woud be surprisingly great if people who hire would just give those “Green Eggs and Ham” a try!
If you are the frustrated Job Seeker, Keep that “Sam I Am” energy and drive alive. Eventually, someone, somewhere will want what you have to offer.